I thought that my springkink stories were due on the 8th and the 9th. It turns out that they're due on the 6th and 7th. Kill me now.

I guess I could start writing now, but I'm being thoroughly amused by watching Lewis Black talk about America (and milk), Homeland Security, creationism, queers, George Bush and the Old Testament, neo-conservatives, and...ok, I'll stop.

I'm currently getting my jollies from this. Christianity for kids! (Or "kidz," apparently.) I swear, I don't even go looking for this stuff. It just falls into my lap.

Particularly tasty tidbits include the section on atheists.

Spiritual Safety Tip:

What should you do if you find an Atheist?

If you find an Atheist in your neighborhood,
TELL A PARENT OR PASTOR RIGHT AWAY!

You may be moved to try and witness to
these poor lost souls yourself, however
AVOID TALKING TO THEM!

Atheists are often very grumpy and bitter and will lash out at children or they may even try to trick you into neglecting God's Word.

Very advanced witnessing techniques are needed for these grouches. Let the adults handle them.

Dear Lady in the earth, are we talking about atheists or child molesters? (Though I suppose to these people there's not much difference. Hell, they'd probably prefer a Christian abuser.)

And who could forget "Creation Science Fun Facts!" Did you know that the T-Rex was an herbivore? The teeth for were tearing plants!

...I could not make this shit up. I can't even figure out why they would lie/delude themselves about this. What whacky religious purpose does it serve? The friendly giraffe "scientist" assures me that everybody on Noah's arc was safe because of this, but it's not as if there weren't other predators. Are they going to try and tell me that wolves and lions are herbivores too? Maybe they were back then! Except that would indicate evolution. THIS IS VERY CONFUSING.

Only slightly more coherent is that, apparently, the bombardier beetle was given its ability to shoot boiling liquid out of its butt as a testament against evolution.

Edit: Oh my goodness, it's a parody. The best I've seen since Landover Baptist. I'm leaving this post up anyway. They suckered me. (Of course, it's kind of a sad that I didn't suspect that it was a joke. Says something about the current religious climate.)

In other news, it's about time that I posted my class schedule:

Monday, Wednesday, Friday:
11:00-11:50 - Gender, Race, and Class in a Global Context
12:00-12:50 - Introduction to Chemistry

Tuesday, Thursday:
9:00-11:50 - Intro to Chemistry Lab/Recitation (Tuesday only)
2:00-3:15 - History of Asian American Women
3:30-4:45 - Masterpieces of Japanese Literature in Translation

Some of my best friends are American

It's a short video and I highly recommend it.

It's especially funny to me because I want to move to New Zealand.

Associated Press

WASHINGTON, May 11, 2006

President Bush appears to be losing support among a key group of
voters who had hitherto stood firmly with the president even as his
poll numbers among other groups fell dramatically.

A new Gallup poll shows that, for the first time, Bush's approval
rating has fallen below 50% among total fucking morons, and now
stands at 44%. This represents a dramatic drop compared to a poll
taken just last December, when 62% of total fucking morons
expressed support for the president and his policies.

The current poll, conducted by phone with 1,409 total fucking
morons between May 4 and May 8, reveals that only 44% of those
polled believe the president is doing a good job, while 27% believe
he is doing a poor job and 29% don't understand the question.

The December poll, conducted by phone with 1,530 total fucking
morons, showed 62% approved of the president, 7% disapproved and
31% didn't understand the question.

Faltering approval ratings for the president among a group once
thought to be a reliable source of loyal support gives Republicans
one more reason to be nervous about the upcoming mid-term
elections. "If we can't depend on the support of total fucking
morons," says Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), "then we've got a big
problem. They're a key factor in our electoral strategy, and an
important part of today's Republican coalition."

"We've taken the total fucking moron vote for granted," says Rep.
Tom Feeney (R-FL), "and now we're paying for it. We've let the
Democrats control the debate lately, and they've dragged discourse
back into the realm of complex, nuanced issues. So your average
total fucking moron turns on his TV and sees his Republican
Congressman arguing about Constitutional law or the complexities of
state formation in the Middle East, and he tunes out. He wants to
hear comforting, pandering, flattering bromides and he doesn't want
to hear a logical argument more complex than what you'd find on a
bumper sticker."

For Feeney, the poll is a dire warning that Republicans can ignore
only at their peril. "This should send a signal that we have to
regain control of the debate if we want the support of our key
constituencies in the coming election and beyond. We need to bring
public discourse back into the realm of stupidity and vacuity. We
should be talking about homosexual illegal immigrants burning flags. We should be talking about the power of pride. We should be talking about freedom fries. These are the issues that resonate with total fucking morons."

But some total fucking morons say it's too late. Bill Snarpel of Enid, Oklahoma is a total fucking moron who voted for Bush in both 2000 and 2004. But he says he won't be voting for Bush in 2008. "I don't like it that he was going to sell our ports to the Arabs. If the Arabs own the ports then that means they'll let all the Arabs in and then we'll all be riding camels and wearing towels on our heads. I don't want my children singing the Star Spangled Banner in Muslim."

Total fucking moron Kurt Meyer of Turlock, California also says his once solid support for Bush has collapsed. "He invaded Iraq and all those soldiers died, and for what? We destroyed all their WMDs, but now their new president is making fun of us and saying he's going to build nuclear bombs and that we can't stop him. Well, nuclear bombs are even worse than WMDs, so what did we accomplish?"


Laura McDonald, a total fucking moron from Chandler, Arizona, says she is disappointed that the president hasn't been a more forceful advocate of Christian values. "This country was founded on Christian values," she says, "but you'd never know it looking around and seeing all the Mexicans running around. I thought Bush was going to bring Jesus back into the government. Instead, Christians are being persecuted worse than ever before in history, because all these Mexicans come here and tell Christians that we have to respect their religious beliefs. So now it's illegal for children to pray in school. Soon it will be illegal for them to speak English."
Not all total fucking morons have turned their backs on the president. Jeb Larkin of Topeka, Kansas says he still fully supports Bush. "He is doing a great job. He is a great president. He is a great decider. I have a puppy. His tail sticks straight up and you can see his butthole."
And not all Republican lawmakers are concerned about the poll. Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), for one, does not find it a cause for anxiety. While he agrees that his party should not take total fucking morons for granted, they "really don't have anywhere else to go. They're never going to be able to understand someone like Al Gore or John Kerry or anybody intelligent and articulate who wants to talk about substantive issues Just try having a conversation with one of them about global warming. They'll say, 'Oh, but Rush says volcanoes consume more ozone than humans do.' I mean, they're morons! Total fucking morons!"

"They've got nowhere else to go," Alexander reaffirms with a smile, "and they always vote."